The Academi Cardiff International Poetry Competition

 

Gareth James

The Lord and Lady of Rhiwbina

There being so many of us, I thought I’d spread the load
Around. I asked her ladyship to do dessert. She said, I don’t expect
To visit people’s houses, and bring my own

Bloody dinner. You’d’ve thought I was asking her
To turn up with the Crown Jewels. I told her husband, I got verbal
Down the phone. He told me to eff myself, and eff right off.

You don’t say one thing out of place round his lordship. Not one word.

They had me round to theirs instead.
Who’s that woman’s come out the red car, she said.
Who’s that woman? She looks like a farmer’s wife.
If I was a farmer’s wife, I’d be milking cows, wouldn’t I.

I don’t mind helping here and there.
But I’ll kick a total stranger up the arse.
I don’t care what kind of money or car he’s got.
If he needs to be put in his place, I’ll put him away too right.

I go there on a Monday now. She always says something I don’t like.
She’d got her ideas and they are wild wild wild.
She says, I want a hot tub, I don’t care what it costs.
She says then Lorraine, when you come round you can have a soak.

She isn’t very fucking wise. None of those are any good,
Tell them you don’t care what it costs they’ll stick
Any gun they want up your arse.

That builder walked in, so complacent, certain he had the job.
He asked where they’d been on holiday.
She didn’t say Spain, she said Barbados.

She says: I’m not a liar, you see Lorraine.
That was a remark I never liked.
We’ve all got our sins. Some of us are liars.
Some of us are too familiar.

She’s always opening up doors for these people.
When her husband’s trying to shut them out.
That builder pinched her backside.
But I could see right through him. I knew he was not a ladies’ man.

Her husband’s worked all his life,
It didn’t fly through the window into his hands.
He’s a aircraft engineer. A mechanic. A fitter, or something like.

He’s not what you call crooked.
He is in general unforgiving. Not Christian.
And then with her, he’s soft soft soft.

She lends out his money.
She says we got it they haven’t they need it simple as that.
She borrowed it some cousin to buy a car.
Thousands she borrowed out, not a penny made it back.

All his lordship will say is,
She cried till she was four years of age.
Now she doesn’t cry hardly ever.
Apparently he’s satisfied with that.